March 16th, 2009
after having been home from the hospital for seven weeks, I am still not a lot better. I have seen a lot of progress, like my tongue doesn't hurt anymore; I also can speak a little bit, though on the phone it's not very understandable. My allover feeling is however rather a stagnation. My greatest problem is my nose (where the cancer grew) which is not yet free. The wound of the former tumor is still not healed up. So I cannot breath freely, and therefore I cannot sleep well.
I also can't eat yet, so I am fed artificially. It means I spend daily 3-5 hours on a tube, a special nutrition is going to be pumped into my stomach directly. My throat is still inflamed, so I cannot swallow anything, just a little bit water.
The worst thing is that I became some impatient, I feel frustrated and I'd like to see God intervening more intensively. Of course I know, I have no right to claim that, still I feel that He overchallenges me quite a bit. That's not quite true; I experience His intervention again and again, especially in situations where I was extremely despaired: My nose was blocked, I couldn't get asleep and than He gave Ingrid a new idea, how to clean it up. I experienced such situations several times, where I was very thankful. Nevertheless I feel, my faith is becoming weaker. Luckily it's not up to my my faith but up to the Lord who cares.
Yesterday I called the Eldest of our Church according to James 5:13-14. They came and prayed for me with great confidence. So now I can expect that it was a new beginning: from now on it is supposed to go upwards with me. The first sings I have already seen: Today I've slept especially well and some evil thoughts, torturing me oftentimes, disappeared.
Ingrid nurses me with a special commitment. She cares for everything I need, maintains my food pump, administers my medicine, and particularly she supports me emotionally. Without her I couldn't survive. We have a communication between us as good as never before. The illness changed my thinking very much: I have now a quite different view on our life, on our marriage, on our problems we had with each other. So I can develop understanding for her in issues where earlier I was only angry. We can talk about old events and matters having been hurting in the last years too much, so we'd rather kept silent. Now we experience forgiveness and reconciliation in these affairs. It is a pity, that I needed cancer to alive this.
It means, God is still on work. I'd only prefer to seem Him to work more on my health, too. Please don't stop to pray for that. By the way, I will learn April 22nd about the result of MRI, concerning the result of the radiation and chemotherapy, whether there is a remainder of the tumor or not.
Our son Philip still doesn't have a final answer from a host family in the US for next school year. We pray for those who consider that God would give an affirmation to the ideal family for Philip. We believe that He has exactly one, this one we would like to find.
I am thankful for every one reading these pages, interesting for my fate and praying for my full healing. I believe the Lord will answer.